Wedding Wonderings

My family has just returned from the wedding of my nephew. It was a grand affair marked by great joy and generous hospitality - and lots of good food since it took place on a beautiful dock adjacent to her father's seafood restaurant. 

          Many friends and family members gathered to celebrate a committed relationship between two talented and bright twenty-somethings. Like many of their age, they had already established their lives and their careers – in a city a long way from our home. Because of that distance and those years building a career, I had not seen my nephew in quite a while. I’ve gladly officiated at many family weddings, but because of that lack of connection I was pleased to know that a close friend of the couple would be performing the ceremony.

            Despite the fact that the officiant began his remarks with “I really am an ordained minister,” this was the first time I’d ever attended a wedding officiated by someone who was not a “real” minister. Yes – he had applied on-line to some service that would “ordain” him instantly with no supporting credentials. One such service declares that everyone has a right to be married by whomever they wish and it is their mission to see that right fulfilled.

Despite that noble goal, I admit honestly that it is a bit disconcerting to have one’s profession so maligned. Google “become a minister on-line” and you will find countless free options. Google “become a lawyer on-line” and you will be directed to sites that offer on-line degrees – after three or more years of study. The irony is both obvious and rather telling: it takes the same three years of seminary training to become a bonafide minister. And in many denominations, the ordination process is just as rigorous as any bar exam. Yet anyone can legally become an “ordained minister” with a few easy clicks of a mouse.

As I watched this on-line minister perform a legal wedding ceremony for my nephew and his bride, his affection for his friends was obvious. Because of that friendship, they were at ease in the moment. The vows they spoke – in their own words – were sincere and heart-felt. Yet I could not help but ponder the broader significance of what I was witnessing.

Legally, weddings can be solemnized by an officer of the court or a minister whose authority to execute a legal contract has been extended by the courts of each state. Traditionally, most couples have preferred the minister and church option, whether they have a church affiliation or not.

Every minister I’ve ever known struggles with the dilemma of performing a wedding for someone who has no intention of becoming part of a church family. Why would someone without a church want a church wedding? Perhaps it’s to maintain tradition or to please parents. Sanctuaries are beautiful places, especially when they have long center aisles where a bride can make a dramatic entrance.

Yet ministers also have a sacred obligation to do more than just execute a legal contract. They are called to center the creation of a new family in the grace and love of God. They are called to emphasize the solemnity as well as joy of the moment. And they are called to pronounce God’s blessing on the bride and groom.

I suppose it is indicative of the age that more and more couples are seeking to circumvent that tradition. On the one hand, it may be healthy. If the couple has no desire for – or even an aversion to – a priestly blessing on their union, why go through the motions without meaning. Yet I wonder what power the trend will have on the families of the future.

The primary reason most ministers will perform a wedding ceremony for couples without a church family is their hope and their faith that the presence of holy words and sacred space will have an impact on the couple, whether they realize it in the moment or not. That someday, when the conflicts come as they surely will, the couple might remember something of grace and the power of forgiveness. They might be aware of a higher power who longs to help them keep the promises they made to each other.

So despite the fact that my nephew and his bride had a religion-less wedding, I still pray God’s blessings upon them. Because bidden or not, acknowledged or not, there is a God who created them and loves them and longs for them to know that love eternally.