My family
has just returned from the wedding of my nephew. It was a grand affair marked
by great joy and generous hospitality - and lots of good food since it took place on a beautiful dock adjacent to her father's seafood restaurant.
Many friends and family members gathered
to celebrate a committed relationship between two talented and bright twenty-somethings.
Like many of their age, they had already established their lives and their
careers – in a city a long way from our home. Because of that distance and
those years building a career, I had not seen my nephew in quite a while. I’ve gladly officiated at many family weddings, but because of that lack of
connection I was pleased to know that a close friend of the couple would be
performing the ceremony.
Despite the fact that the officiant
began his remarks with “I really am an ordained minister,” this was the first
time I’d ever attended a wedding officiated by someone who was not a “real”
minister. Yes – he had applied on-line to some service that would “ordain” him instantly
with no supporting credentials. One such service declares that everyone has a
right to be married by whomever they wish and it is their mission to see that
right fulfilled.
Despite that noble goal, I admit honestly that it is a bit
disconcerting to have one’s profession so maligned. Google “become a minister
on-line” and you will find countless free options. Google “become a lawyer
on-line” and you will be directed to sites that offer on-line degrees – after three
or more years of study. The irony is both obvious and rather telling: it takes the
same three years of seminary training to become a bonafide minister. And in
many denominations, the ordination process is just as rigorous as any bar exam.
Yet anyone can legally become an “ordained minister” with a few easy clicks of
a mouse.
As I watched this on-line minister perform a legal wedding
ceremony for my nephew and his bride, his affection for his friends was
obvious. Because of that friendship, they were at ease in the moment. The vows
they spoke – in their own words – were sincere and heart-felt. Yet I could not
help but ponder the broader significance of what I was witnessing.
Legally, weddings can be solemnized by an officer of the court or
a minister whose authority to execute a legal contract has been extended by the
courts of each state. Traditionally, most couples have preferred the minister
and church option, whether they have a church affiliation or not.
Every minister I’ve ever known struggles with the dilemma of
performing a wedding for someone who has no intention of becoming part of a church
family. Why would someone without a church want a church wedding? Perhaps it’s
to maintain tradition or to please parents. Sanctuaries are beautiful places,
especially when they have long center aisles where a bride can make a dramatic
entrance.
Yet ministers also have a sacred obligation to do more than just
execute a legal contract. They are called to center the creation of a new
family in the grace and love of God. They are called to emphasize the solemnity
as well as joy of the moment. And they are called to pronounce God’s blessing
on the bride and groom.
I suppose it is indicative of the age that more and more couples
are seeking to circumvent that tradition. On the one hand, it may be healthy.
If the couple has no desire for – or even an aversion to – a priestly blessing
on their union, why go through the motions without meaning. Yet I wonder what
power the trend will have on the families of the future.
The primary reason most ministers will perform a wedding ceremony
for couples without a church family is their hope and their faith that the presence
of holy words and sacred space will have an impact on the couple, whether they
realize it in the moment or not. That someday, when the conflicts come as they
surely will, the couple might remember something of grace and the power of
forgiveness. They might be aware of a higher power who longs to help them keep
the promises they made to each other.
So despite the fact that my nephew and his bride had a
religion-less wedding, I still pray God’s blessings upon them. Because bidden
or not, acknowledged or not, there is a God who created them and loves them and
longs for them to know that love eternally.
