Beginning the Conversation

“For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  

        Our son married his soul mate last Sunday. It was a wonderful event that they had carefully choreographed for months, down to honoring their grandparents by serving their favorite candies. As both mother and minister, I had the “best seat in the house” as they repeated their vows and became husband and wife.

        My son gave his heart and his life to his now-wife long ago. He told me he already felt married. But when that commitment is witnessed publicly and documented legally, it is a momentous moment. As I listened to my son pledge his devotion to “the most important woman in my life,” I must admit that this mother’s heart sank – but just a bit. It was a tangible sign of what Jesus referenced when he said that a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. In today’s context, I’m certain Jesus would have added: a woman shall leave her father and mother and be joined to her husband.  “Leaving” family is how it should be when a new family is created. Even as I lived that transition in my son’s pledge, so too did her parents when they heard their daughter referred to as “Mrs. Morris.”  

        As our son and now daughter-in-law reviewed the language in the traditional wedding ceremony from the Book of Common Worship of the PC (USA), they asked me to modify the phrase “a man and a woman.” In those contexts, I was glad to use instead “two persons.” I do not know if their request came from a general sensitivity to the issue of same-gender relationships or out of specific concern for their friends who gathered to celebrate with them. It doesn’t matter. I still find it intriguing that as heterosexual twenty-somethings in our world, the concern was significant for them.  

        This week, Seneca Presbyterian Church is beginning to talk about same gender relationships in a tangible way. Almost a year ago, I approached our Session with the question: Are we ready to begin an intentional conversation about homosexuality, same gender marriage, and our response as a church?  My request came as a direct result of the district court ruling that legalized same gender marriage in South Carolina, along with the growing movement in the PC (USA) to refine marriage as inclusive of same gender couples. At that time, the amendment to our Book of Order had not yet been approved by a majority of presbyteries. That happened last March.

        My desire for this dialogue is increasingly motivated by a sense of justice for our l/g/b/t brothers and sisters who have for too long been harmed by the Church. I often wonder if it is too late for the Church to atone for the sins of silence and exclusion that fill our past. My confidence is being nurtured by the many personal stories I hear from among our congregation – from gay and lesbian persons as well as those with sons and daughters among that community.

        The Session’s response to my request was affirmative and deliberate. We created a Conversation Team of seven persons to discuss the process of beginning the dialogue. Our desire was to enable respectful discussion that listens rather than divides.

        We are planning a series of Talk/Listen/Learn sessions where members of the congregation can hear of our process and reflect with us their thoughts, concerns, desires, and questions. We intend to model compassionate listening, defined as follows:

Let this be a safe place for conversation…

• Where we can accept all, because God has first accepted us.
• Where the wounds of our lives and the struggles of our souls are safe – where they can be spoken and honored; protected and healed.
• Where one does not have to be wrong in order for another to be right.
• Where diversity of belief and theology and piety are a blessing; where I am nurtured by those who differ from me, as long as I am open to what they have to share and they to me.
• Where we acknowledge that there are core essentials to what we believe, but they are far fewer and far more open than many would contend.
• Where compassion and care are grounded in the mercy of God, a mercy that endures forever.

        Our son believed he was already “married” to his beloved. In the eyes of the law, he now is. This past weekend, they were honored by the presence of friends and family as they publicly proclaimed their vows and were blessed by God. They were roasted and toasted and celebrated. They desire the possibility of nothing less for all God’s children.